Taking a breath. Feeling myself. Coming to a rest. The last year; hard to find words for these past months. Chaotic, turbulent, exhausting, stressful but also transformative, clarifying and freeing.
I am unsure what I was freed from, but it feels good. Some part of myself dropped away, or maybe it was never a part of me, but rather a mask or a costume I carried for too long to remember its purpose: Keeping me safe. But then, slowly, it was not keeping me safe any more. It was keeping me hostage in a prison of fear. It was time to break free, and so I did. Everything feels fresh now, like the wind on the scales of a freshly skinned snake.
Transformation: Leave the past behind.
It’s interesting that this picture comes to my mind. In this freeing process, I got a new tattoo of a serpant coiled around my arm. The snake symbolises transformation, growth, leaving the past behind and going beyond into the unknown, transcending the current state, diving into the future without knowing the destination or the goal, and just walking forward because stopping is not an option.
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My creativity was blocked entirely; I didn’t write, draw, paint or even enjoy cooking. A life without creativity, without creating, is colourless, dull, and dead. Let me talk about the bible for a moment. I am not Christian, but I believe in finding wisdom everywhere. So the bible says: “God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him” (Genesis 1:27). God is creator. We are creators. Without creating, we feel lifeless or at least I do.
But now I am free again. Free to create.
For a long time, I believed in not sharing too much of my personal feelings and thoughts with my clients. I didn’t want to influence them. I still feel that way to a certain degree, but I realized the importance of sharing as a way of connection.
We are lacking connection. The Wi-Fi signal is mostly brilliant, but who cares about a true, deep, honest connection? We all should.
And this is why I started sharing deep thought processes and painful feelings with you. This is my newly found source of creativity. I always feel the push from inside to create, but then I don’t know what to create, which medium to choose, what to say. Self-criticism and Self-censorship are in the way. But this stops now. I am writing as much for you as for myself. It is self-expression, writing therapy and an attempt to connect all at once.
Eternity and all that nonsense
Oh gosh, that almost sounds like a manifesto, and maybe it is for the moment. I was always afraid to create something that wouldn’t last or be valid forever. (That was the main reason I left journalism.) But it is clear to me now that this is nonsense. I don’t have to create anything for eternity. Creating is now, this moment. If it is true at this moment, it is worth being expressed and shared. Because NOW is the only thing that exists. NOW is ETERNITY.
Love,
Leni ♥︎